Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm at about main and main street
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
