how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
