if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
