we have pet lesbian snakes
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
