Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
