I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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