Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I love you.
Bad choice
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
