I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
