p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
