grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
