Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.