see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER