got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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