Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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