I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
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Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
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he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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