My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
