Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize