i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
