Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
