We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
