Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
