Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
