if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
