I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
