Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
