the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
