I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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