capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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