JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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