You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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