# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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