ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
