listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I need to sanitize my soul.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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