I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
