She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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