If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
