Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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