I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
