booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
