dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
