Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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