I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
