YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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