glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
