My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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