just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
