i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
