She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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