Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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