also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
