I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
