I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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