Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
