I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
