the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
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