New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
