Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
