will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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