at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
pray to the hookup gods
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
