im having a threesome with these popsicles
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
