Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
