i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
