Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
